The Nose Knows
by LunarShipper
Summary: A short one-shot of Belkar and Durkon seeking Vaarsuvius out in the Elemental Plane of Ranch Dressing.


"So wha do ye think?"

"Well the bad news is that I can't smell Vaarsuvius through all this dressing. So that plan's a bust."

"Tha good news?"

"It's really good ranch dressing."

"Belkar! We dinnae haf time fer this!"

"Well what do you want me to do?"

Durkon ran a hand through his beard and looked at the 'ground'. "Mebbe I c'n cast sending... but I dinnae think tha will help." He looked over at Belkar for help. The halfling was ignoring him, scooping a little dressing from the ground onto his finger and tasting it. Durkon sighed and wracked his brain, eventually coming up with something.

"Sending..."

"Wit' Belkar in tha Ranch Dressing plane. It seems e cannae track or smell ye. Cast somethin' loud an' flashy so we c'n find ye."

Belkar looked over at Durkon. "Wait, isn't there a 25 word limit?"

"Aye."

"Man, we finally found a way to make Ears speak Common like a normal PC. A word limit has got to be torture fo"

"Shh, I think I be gettin' a response."

Vaarsuvius's sending response arrived. "I have cast my spells. If you unable to perceive them it would appear an alternative method should be devised to discern our respective locations."

Durkon looked over at Belkar. "Did ye hear or see anything?"

"No. Should I have?"

"Aye. Looks like we be needing another way ta find tha elf."

"Well, what's the ground taste like over where V's at?" Belkar asked almost casually.

This gave Durkon pause. "Wha?"

"I mean, the dressing gets thicker going that way," he pointed left, "and sweeter that way," he pointed behind him.

"So ye be sayin' ye can find Vaarsuvius if'n they tell ye how tha ground tastes underfoot?"

"Yeah pretty much." Belkar shrugged.

"Ye damned fool, why dinnae ye say sumthin' earlier?" Durkon growled crossly. He ignored Belkar's sarcastic response and prepared another Sending.

"We cannae hear or see anythin'. New plan; taste the ground near ye and describe its texture an taste. Belkar will find ye that way."

The two short nonhumans sat in silence as they waited for the evoker to respond.

The annoyed response came without much delay. "I pray you do not jest and this is a necessary action. My current surroundings taste tart and watery, with a strong taste of onion."

Durkon looked at Belkar, relaying the information. "Tart an wat'ry wit lots of oni'n."

"Alright, then we go that way." He pointed, "Come on."

"Thank you, One-Who-Tastes-Less-Like-Garlic! You have restored Prince Oozalot to the throne of the Hidden Valley and rescued his true love, Gootrude, from the evil sauce dragon!"

"Indeed. Now if you'd excuse me I would prefer not be seen interacting with creatures of consumable design when I am located by my compatriots." Vaarsuvius turned on their heel and walked away, their brow indefinitely creased from being constantly furrowed throughout the past day and a half.

"Aw, well good luck! Come visit again sometime, okay?"

"Surely." Vaarsuvius muttered, voice dripping with acid.

"Buttermilk with a touch of chives. We're close." Belkar observed, dressing dripping off his finger.

"How close we be? If'n it ain't too far, we can send fer V to shoot off spells ag'in."

"Nah, don't bother. She's pretty close." Belkar continued in the correct direction with Durkon clunking behind him.

"Vaarsuvi's mus' be gettin' antsy."

"Well if she's dumb enough to end up banished here then too bad." Belkar growled back and then paused. "There we go."

In the distance down the mound of dressing was a familiar red-robed figure with their back to their companions, seemingly deep in a trance.

Durkon caught up to Belkar and smiled upon seeing the wizard. "Good job, lad. Now I jus need ta cast my Plane Shift spell, but tha will take a wee bit so why don't ye go... get..." He trailed off as he realized Belkar was no longer next to him. He sighed and began to cast his spell.

Belkar slunk down the hill towards Vaarsuvius with a grin stretched across his face. The halfling crept his way closer and closer to the unknowing mage until he could smell the elf. Once he was close enough he stooped down, grabbed the biggest handful of dressing he could hold, and hurled it at the back of Vaarsuvius's head, where it made impact with a satisfying smack.

The elf sputtered and flailed out of their trance, whirling around to face Belkar with eyes wide and mouth agape. Judging by the annoyance on their face, it took only a moment for Vaarsuvius to register what had just happened. "You-! Was your sole motivation in accompanying Master Thundershield the promise of pelting my trancing person wi-" The elf had to duck quickly to avoid the second batch of dressing that had been thrown at them.

Glaring at the halfling, V muttered to themself and produced a giant hand that was a familiar pink color behind Belkar. The Bugsby's Dressing Hurtling Hand lowered and scooped a massive handful of the dressing and hovered directly over Belkar. Seeing the shadow cast around him the halfling looked up with widened eyes. Before he could so much as begin to run, V dismissed the spell; sending the enormous mass of Ranch Dressing plummeting towards Belkar and completely covering him. Vaarsuvius watched with a satisfied smug grin as Belkar struggled out of the heap. "Had you a more advanced brain I would have expected you to learn not to trifle with those possessing a superior intellect, nay, those possessing an intimate knowledge of the universe and cosmo's innermost secrets."

"Bite me."


End file.
